Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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