Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
