Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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