wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
