There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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