I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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