he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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