batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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