He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
