yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
