You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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