wrigley field is MILF paradise
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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