My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize