Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize