Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
