my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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