the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
