I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
