I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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