i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
