Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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