Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
