My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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