I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
