My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
