Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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