What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize