So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
