seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nutella sex= disaster
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
