Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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