I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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