About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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