i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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