those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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