I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
