You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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