I bet he comes in French.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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