totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
