She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
