So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
And then he peed in my hair
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