just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
