I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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