i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
