I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i was born a porn star she said
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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