Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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