Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
