Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
