Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
