Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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