so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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