I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
