wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
