So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
