you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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