he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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