I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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