youre lurking in front of me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
